Forever Wildflowers™ -Funeral Industry News and Information

Been to Any good Funerals Lately?

"The greatest danger for most of us is not that our aim is too high and we miss it, but that it is too low and we hit it." This observation by Michelangelo captures the challenge ahead of funeral service. In an industry dominated by firms that have been in business for generations, the wake-up call has arrived. Funerals aren't what they used to be. But then, people don't die the way they used to, either.

So what is the bottom line on this wake-up call? The mortality tables look bleak for companies who believe that creativity is not their job. Where the creative magic happens is in funeral homes across the country that are arranging what could better be described as Celebrations of the Meaning of Life, instead of funerals. Know this. If all of us in Funeral Service are not guiding this profession toward innovation, customization and personalization, we're managing it to its own demise.

Funerals used to be about the parallels between the death of a well-loved human being and the sacred story that promises eternal peace, about a community that willingly met their obligation to support and comfort the grieving, and about the sacred place mourners would go to pay their respects.

Oh, how times have changed. Today, in the 21st century, 62% of those who believe in God feel that traditional worship in a traditional church is irrelevant. Contemporary churches, the ones that are most unlike their traditional counterparts, ore thriving, attracting progressive traditionalists as well as those who have never considered religion important. In the 21st century, when friends and colleagues learn of a death, often their decision about attending funeral services hinges on whether or not they need comfort and closure instead of whether they could offer consolation to the grieving family. In the 21st century, organized religion is struggling to remain relevant in an increasingly secular society.

Humans are the only living creatures that are aware of their own mortality. This awareness gives them an advantage over other living things for two reasons; first, knowing that Death is inevitable means that, we can decide how we want to die and be remembered, and second, we can create meaning about Death. The negative flipside to that is that just knowing that death is going to happen creates suffering, and all kinds of conflict; namely, moral, spiritual, and emotional.

Whether they like it or not, Humans are also aware that the one constant in Life is Change. It is both our hope and our fear. If things are bad, hope of change keeps us going. If things are good, fear of change threatens our happiness. The ultimate unwanted change is Death. It confronts the illusion that we are in control over our own life and over the lives of others, to say nothing of Life itself. And, it's not just enduring the traumatic changes that the Death transition brings. It's the necessity of cooperating with those changes that is so difficult for families to cope with.

The funeral is where families start to manage the Death Transition. It's an opportunity for them to acclimate to their new role in the universe, express their feelings, move toward closure and shift toward the future. Funerals allow us to understand both the depth of our loss, and the breadth of what remains. They allow us to seek and receive consolation from others. It is the perspective from comforting mourners that helps families to find hope and perceive meaning just when everything seems so pointless. Finally, good funerals mark the end of a Life memorably.
So, have you been to any good funerals lately?

Arranging a good funeral requires that the family go where they haven't gone, do what they haven't done, cope with unfamiliar feelings of grief and vulnerability, and face what they fear most. Letting go of Love.

A person-alized funeral allows family and friends to own their feelings and participate in an event specially designed to remember their loved one---how they lived, whom they loved, what made them laugh, what they learned in Life, and what their legacy is. The 5Ls: Live, Love, Laugh, Learn, and Legacy.

What's the alternative to a person-alized funeral? An anonymous one. You know the type. It's impossible to know anything about the deceased and certainly impossible to answer the 5L's-the questions on live-love-laugh-learn-and legacy even after attending. Sometimes, it's even difficult to determine the gender of the deceased by what is, or is not said or shown, or done.

Studies tell us that roughly 70% of those attending a funeral visitation do not know the deceased. What an important purpose the funeral serves in helping mourners to be comforted by memories of the deceased person, and, in turn, to offer relevant consolation to the family.

The Meaning of Life is that there is something that never leaves even though people die. That something is the very essence of the Meaning of their Life.

Families' expectations of the funeral profession have shifted dramatically from the days when they completely relied on the hometown funeral director. In the 21st century, families have greater freedom to plan a funeral that uniquely fits the personality of their loved one, calling upon whomever they feel can provide them with the most spiritual, fulfilling, intimate, and memorable event possible. Today, families have more tools, such as the Internet, event planners, and pre-planned funerals. They have more knowledge, including a variety of websites, extensive coverage of celebrity funerals, a rising number of seminars and classes on death, dying and funeral ritual options. They have more choices for products, services, and methods of disposal than their parents did. And, they have more power, supported by consumer advocates, chat rooms and price competition.

This proliferation of choices has set entirely new standards for the funeral service profession. Therefore, we must be more creative, more flexible and accommodating, more collaborative with the medical and religious communities, more responsive to the effect of the Death transition on the funeral experience, and more aggressive in educating families on their choices.

Planning more meaningful funerals is as easy as remembering the words and emotions you use to describe the people and things you love. Try it. What words and emotions do you use to refer to those you love most? Beautiful, handsome, sensual, soft, colorful, fragrant, comfortable, playful, funny, unpredictable, spiritual, understanding, melodic, protective, caring, loving.....

Now, just think how much more effective funerals would be if they were able to reflect the emotions that fit the deceased in every aspect of the funeral. From the casket or urn to the personalized details. From the family photographs, plants and floral arrangements designed to capture the essence of the person. From the printed materials, the program, and prayer card, to the souvenir.

Yes, souvenir. When you travel to a destination to visit something or someone special, don't you insist on returning home with a souvenir, so that you never forget it? Without question, a final tribute to a loved one evokes a whole range of emotions and a deep need to remain connected to them by some symbolic memento. Hence, the rationale for simple, inexpensive, yet poignant funeral mementos such as flag pins, angel or cross pins, photo bookmarks/prayer cards, golf balls, tees, or shells. Here, the list of possibilities is as varied as the personalities of those we love.
It is well-documented that any effort spent on creating meaningful funeral ceremonies pays off, both economically, and personally. The most progressive funeral service professionals have known this for some time. In 1999, the Cincinnati Enquirer reported that `In just the past few years, the market for customized caskets and urns has exploded, accounting for as much as half to three-quarters of the business at some funeral homes.'

"The more personal the service, the more positive the response," remarked David Walkinshaw of Saville & Grannan Funeral Home in Arlington Massachusetts. He went on to say, "As people leave, they often comment on the tone of the funeral, that it wasn't morbid, and that they learned so much about the person. Old-style funerals, with a wake and casket surrounded by flowers, just didn't hit a nerve like this."

When Washington Post publisher, Katharine Graham died, her brother-in-law, Bob Graham, commented, "Funerals don't have to be funeral. Kay's was a celebration of life. It was a celebration of the range of people whom she touched and who loved her even if they had never met her. That's quite a testimony to the kind of person she was."

Another observer of the funeral service profession at its best is Steve Forbes, the editor-in-chief of Forbes Magazine. In commenting on his father, Malcolm Forbes' funeral, he said, "A service that reflects the personality and character of a great and good individual, as my father's did, stirring, inspiring, and cathartic for the living. Grief is strangely, movingly balanced by the feeling the departed one has been bid an appropriate farewell."